How Estrogen Helped Changed My Life

In March of 2012, I made the huge step to go on hormones and start the process of transitioning from male-to-female through the use of Hormone Replacement Therapy, otherwise known as HRT. I was excited, but there were more than a few surprises in store for me as the months went on, a few of which I decided to share.

 

 

In March 0f 2012, if I had to describe my orientation, I would have said I was almost completely attracted to women, with slight wiggle room for the occasional crush on someone like myself. To my surprise, I found that as my body began to change on hormones, so did my becoming less physically attracted to women, but more psychologically attracted to men, to finally where I am now. I read up on this phenomenon, and it's not uncommon among those who undergo transition, but I wouldn't have minded someone letting me in on the fact this could happen...

My Libido Diminished Dramatically!

Although self-explanatory, the experience of losing the intensity of my male libido was alarming at first, but after I adjusted to it, I found myself feeling liberated and refreshed — so to speak. For me, the male libido and sort of hyperdrive mentality that accompanied it were profoundly distressing throughout my life, and the source of much anxiety. Now, I can hardly remember what that felt like, although I do know for certain that it was absolutely not for me.

My Experience of Arousal Transformed, whereas arousal pre-HRT was a very sharp feeling, and almost entirely manifested due to physical triggers, I discovered that, with the presence of estrogen, I could mentally cue myself to feel more or less aroused. Sometimes this was deliberate, sometimes not, and the latter can be very disappointing when something minor suddenly interrupts the dreamy headspace of psychologically-initiated arousal. When arousal became more mental, it gave me more control over my own experience that I never had before, and to me that is so satisfying that I can hardly do it justice through words.

My Skin sensitivity OK, most everyone is familiar with the fact that women have softer skin, which is due to the presence of fat stored subcutaneously (under the skin), but I wasn't quite aware of how this change in skin texture also made my skin a lot more sensitive to every little sensation. Prior to HRT, I could hug almost anyone without it being an issue, but now I find that even a slight change in temperature can cause my skin to scream, so hugging people I just met is almost always out of the question. This could be seen as good or bad, but I find that it's mostly a neutral experience for me, because the extra sensation can definitely be very nice sometimes, making it more of a balanced change.

Stretch Marks

This one is definitely a negative. I wasn't aware that hormonal changes cause stretch marks, so I was in for a surprise when they started appearing with a vengeance. I immediately asked my doctor what was going on; I was worried about everything from muscle degeneration to a diet imbalance, but he told me that it's not uncommon to see severe stretch marks in people undergoing a hormone change. Unfortunately, stretch marks aren't easy to get rid of.

In conclusion, there are both good and bad things about HRT, most of it good, some of it neutral, and some of it bad. I'd encourage anyone thinking about starting HRT to think it through for a good long while before making the decision, but in the end, I feel it has certainly changed my life for the better!

If, like me, you presented as a normative guy before transitioning, you probably didn’t realize just how many privileges you were about to give up. I took so many little things for granted, like being able to walk outside or go to a bar without random men feeling the need to comment on my appearance. Sexual harassment is such a routine thing now that I can’t even remember what life was like without it.

  My coming out as trans* for me was probably the most difficult way to find out who my true friends were, and it was not always the people I’d first suspect. My experiences with someone who I thought were a fundamentally good persons,  were they almost  were always none accepting because of all the misinformation about trans* people they may have learned...

(Unfortunately, I faced more than just microaggressions from many of my immediate family members as well friends whom I've known most of my life as well as from neighbors and strangers – I was often subjected to discrimination, violence and institutional hostility. I realize that I was facing an incredibly difficult journey and in no way am I trying to enhanced the struggles I dealt with, but microaggressions were still unpleasant and something that I was not prepared for.) Plus I didn’t start seeing a therapist until more than 7 months into my transition, and in hindsight I think that waiting as long as I did was a mistake.

Transitioning was for me such a monumental undertaking that it was easy for me to let it consume all of the other aspects of my life. I learned from therapy and from other t-girls in various stages of thier transition, that it’s important to maintain hobbies and other interests during this time. I started making time to read books that have nothing to do with gender, listen to music, , go for long walks, ride my bicycle, you name it – the important thing I learned was for me to take a break from thinking about being trans*, even for an hour or two. That if I didn't it would start to drive me crazy after a while if I didn't.

Hormone usage for me was incredible, but they take time to work their magic. I didn't notice results overnight. I remember when I first started HRT, I couldn’t wait for the weeks and months to go by. I looked forward to each new dose because it meant that I was one step closer to feeling comfortable in my own body. I fantasized about ways to fast-forward the next couple of years so that I could finally start enjoying life as my true self. But in constantly looking to the future, I often neglected all the amazing and wonderful things happening around me.

I found it quite difficult to simply be in the moment.

When I was still closeted, I often blamed every unpleasant experience or emotion on the fact that I had to pretend to be a male. “One day,” I would tell myself, “I’ll be able to finally be myself and I’ll be pretty and carefree and never have to deal with this again.” And it’s true that transitioning has made a lot of things better. I connect on a much deeper level with my spouse who has become my best friend and other people. I’m a kinder and more empathetic person. Little things like painting my nails and getting to express myself through fashion make my days more colorful and enjoyable. I’m so much happier now that I’m no longer hiding who I really am.

However with my living openly as Trisha – it didn't solve all of my problems. I was prone to anxiety before coming out, and I'm still having to deal with it afterwards. I still sometimes get in stupid arguments with my spouse and some friends for no good reason, just like I did eight years ago. I’m still addicted to caffeine and I sometimes forget to turn the lights off when I leave the house in the morning. And at some point in my living openly, I came to terms with the fact that living as my true gender wouldn’t magically fix everything.

And it felt really good to let go of that impossible expectation.

So there you have it – some of the things that I wish I’d learned before embarking on this incredible adventure of the past eight years. There are many others that didn’t make the list, such as realizing that women can sometimes be just as gross as men (I thought my living openly would mean an end to unpleasant public bathrooms, but I was wrong).

I’m undoubtedly still learning

Trisha Roberts

23rd of March 2020