Confronting My Fears

Confronting My Fears and how it changed my life !

 

There have been several  key moments in my life that have had an impact on me and my confrontations with Fear. Ones that were not immediately evident at the time, but nevertheless created an effect that I would later realize. The first happened when I was expecting my wife to into labor any time with our daughter. While we were driving to hospital my spouse experienced pains in her stomach. Things got a lot more uncomfortable for her where I drove to the hospital faster than I should have and rushed her to the emergency room. I was informed by the nurse that the situation was serious and she was rushed to the operating room to have a cesarean operation, the lives of both my wife and child were at high risk...

While I sat in the waiting area my head rapidly filled with all kinds of thoughts, considering the worst possible outcome as a way of preparing myself for any eventuality. I was unable to think clearly at that moment and although I have never been much of a religious person, I found myself praying to a god in my moment of desperation, offering my life in return for theirs. In the early hours of the following morning a nurse suggested that I returned home and rest, saying that they would phone if the situation changed. Awaking some hours later that morning and after no phone call, I returned to the hospital and made my way the maternity ward, where I quickly caught sight of my wife and beside her our daughter inside. A great sense of relief and happiness filled that moment, blotting out how I had felt the previous day and earlier that day, but the thought of bargaining my life for theirs remained in my mind for some time.

The near to death experience of both my wife and daughter stayed with me for many years after, as did the thoughts of what I considered to be of importance and value to me. I had found a new depth to life and tried to make the most of it. Again, not totally grasping the deep and profound process I had gone through until much later, facing the Fear of being discovered I was a cross-dresser by those who have known me most of my life...  I had perpetuated that Fear for many years, keeping me trapped in a virtual cage of consequences and emotions of my own creation. Once I learned how to accept myself, I was compelled to take action to bring about the changes I needed so badly to begin my transition and conquer my Fear of doing just that. Of course, there are always consequences of taking any action, in this case they were not as important to me as my final objective. Whatever the cost would be, I needed to live a more openly life as the woman that
I've kept locked deeply inside of me...

Once I learned how to accept myself, I was compelled to take action to bring about the changes I needed so badly to complete my transition and conquer my Fear of doing just that. Of course, there are always consequences of taking any action, in this case they were not as important to me as my final objective. Whatever the cost would be, I needed to live a more openly life as the woman I've kept locked deeply inside of me...

Making the decision and choice that I did, changed my life more powerfully that I could have imagined. I was fully aware of my reasons for making my decision, but not how it would affect the way I dealt with Fear and how I interacted with life from that day forward.    It’s appropriate to say that it transformed me as person, becoming more aware, sensitive, emotional, courageous, with an ability to speak my mind openly and walk with my head held up high. Moving on to a new life experience and long-awaited freedom, having broken free from the chains of Fear that have hackled me for many years. 

Trisha Roberts