From when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night, and often in my dreams, I am aware that I am trans.

 “When I Told My Wife I Was Transgender, Our Whole Marriage Had To Change.”!!!

 

My physical differences are becoming more apparent by the day. At first it was the removal of all my body hair, the application of makeup, and the growth of my head hair. Then came the changes with my usage of hormones: the growth of breasts, the development of hips and a waistline, and the softening of my facial features.

Through these changes, I’ve remained attracted to my spouse.

There was a time in our marriage when she mourned the loss of my more masculine features.

I don’t understand why or how I still find her sexually attractive; all I can say is that I do. It does not mean I find cis women appealing in the same way, which is why this attraction may stem from the love I had for my wife prior to my usage of hormones.

A therapist that I had been seeing, had uncovered and revealed the root of a persistent unhappiness, and a sense of never fitting in: Diagnosing the problem to be gender dysphoria.

When my spouse and I were first married we had first discussed the matter, we both were young and still newly in love. We had only been married a little over a year when my spouse opened a footlocker that I had kept filled with feminine attire, heels, hair pieces, lingerie, facial makeup that I had kept locked in the garage of our home... She asked why I the footlocker was filled with feminine items... So I gave a quick response to the questioned asked... Telling my spouse I was a closeted cross-dresser, that occasionally wore feminine attire and when doing so it relieved the stress that was accumulating within me... So she left it alone. she didn’t want to, nor could I, deal with this.

But the second time it came up was 20 years later, I knew we’d both have to address the diagnoses the therapist I had been seeing with my being diagnosed having gender dysphoria .

There were so many questions on both of our parts: What did this diagnosis mean? Were we going to live in a gender fluid world where I now lived as a woman and part time as a man? Would there be a full transition? What did a full transition even mean? Could we stay together?

At that moment, my world seemed to stop.

The first time around, had a gender transition been a real possibility, I know my spouse would have left. I was working full time so I could be financially independent,  this was our 2nd marriage we didn’t have children of our own as of yet, and we didn’t own a house. Cutting ties and walking away would have been easy.

But the second time was different; leaving would mean losing everything we had built together. We owned a house, we had a child, I had retired from a 30 year civil servant career, and I had built a life and a home. Leaving my marriage would mean having to lower both of our standard of living. Our relationship was also different after 30 years. Leaving would mean losing my best friend, my emotional support system, and my life partner.

And so I read book after book, I learned about being trans, and I looked for other couples that survived something our culture tells us is a death sentence. Many weren’t able to make it through this change, but some did, and I held their stories tight.

I also hoped that we (and yes, when one spouse transitions, the couple transitions, so it was going to be our transition) wouldn’t fully transition. I hoped that cross dressing would be “enough.” I hoped that no one had to know; that it would be “our secret.”

Looking back, I laugh at this idea.

While dressing more and more as a woman, I still went back and forth between the two worlds, living part-time as a man and part-time as a woman. In the beginning, I thought this situation would be preferable to a full transition, but it was ultimately (of course, I see now) just difficult and confusing. And we both hated it.

In the end, the answer was clear: My I was going to live full-time as a woman. I grieved the loss of the life I wanted, of the life I’d should have lived.

We both had to figure out what to do: leave, stay, or live together as friends? One of the hardest things about a breakup for a trans couple is that they usually want to be together but can’t. They don’t hate each other; most often, they are still in love.

I definitely loved my spouse. I didn’t want a life without this person I cared so deeply about, or a life with someone else. The only choice I could possibly make was to stay.

But could my spouse be happy living with a woman?

I had to become comfortable in my own skin and with my own identity. I had to let go of what other people thought of me and of my family. I had to cope with the idea that people would assume my sexuality, and that there would be times when it wasn’t appropriate for me to explain the situation and let people into our private life. I knew I was still a heterosexual woman, who would from now on be seen as a lesbian, and I had to become confident in who I was, who I am, and stop caring about the labels society insists we adopt.

None of this matters, I realized. What matters is that I love my spouse.

Last year brought questions, challenges, and more big decisions. We lived day by day, moment to moment, and it was exhausting. Slowly, the changes we becoming physical and harder to hide... I had several friends in the transgender community help me obtain hormones, through a process of my usage my body hair completely disappeared, my hair growth on my head thicken, I started using nail polish, applying make up, hair accessorizing, and the slow replacement of men’s clothing with women’s clothing.

Eventually, I was ready to make a full transition myself, and to move forward after being stuck in limbo for so long. When I started this process my spouse also transition too. I was ready to move forward, and live full time as wife and wife.

This was a big life change for both of us. Medically transitioning meant coming out to all our friends and family.

In the summer, we began both of those journeys — the grueling process of coming out, and telling family members. We both knew that Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) eventually would me  leave me infertile and unable to have firm erections... In the end, we agreed that no matter what happened, this was the right decision for us. We vowed to each other that no matter what, we would remain being friends and treat one another as such

The process of coming out was inevitably fraught. The hardest person to come out to was my step son and my daughter. I knew that both wouldn’t understand, and I didn’t know how I would take it, but I assumed that both would take it the worst. Amazingly, though, I did better than expected. No, both of my children didn’t understand and I still don’t think both do, but I has made an effort.

By December 2015, everyone who had to hear the news about the transition from us personally, had. I was ready to go public and usher in the New Year without living a double life. Just before midnight, On Dec 31 2016 I started living openly as Trisha.

.We both were nervous that we would lose people in our lives, but knew anyone that truly loved us would stand by our sides.

 Expecting some negativity, we were instead met with an outpouring of love and support from many of our friends and some family. Friends posted messages such as “much support to you and your family,” “you are amazing and strong, good luck,” and “I wish you the best on your journey.” We felt truly blessed to know that so many people stood by our family.

In a matter of months, I had emerged. Immediately, I was a happier person. Living my authentic self, I could be who I was and do what I wanted. I no longer had to conform to an identity that was never my own.

 The experience was a roller coaster from beginning to end; I don’t think there’s a single emotion I haven’t felt, be it anger, denial, sadness, fear, loneliness, happiness, joy, or excitement. People who love me worried I was putting my own feelings on the backburner for Emily — that as much as she had to transition for herself, I had to worry about my happiness as well.

But honestly, that’s not how I see it. I now understand that the situation is really quite simple: I much happier living as a woman.

Nearly 10 years after I first came out to my spouse, our life is very different. It is more different than what I envisioned on our wedding day, and more different than what I imagined when my spouse first found out what I was going through. But it’s a difference that’s okay, because what is the same is the love that we have for each other, the strength we get from each other, and the beautiful life that we have built.

Thirty Five years after marrying the person I love, turns out this is my happily ever after..

 

 

 

Trisha Roberts