From when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night, and often in my dreams, I am aware that I am trans.

The hardest thing I've ever done was when I stepped across the threshold and went outside. And not just for the first time. All the time. Day in and day out!!!

 

 

Even now, as an out trans woman, I still pause and take a breath before walking out the door. I usually don’t even realize I’m doing it but when I’m being mindful I catch myself doing it. I wryly smile and tell myself not be so silly, but it’s there and it probably always will be.

I’ve learned to accept that. It’s taken me a long time but years of social conditioning will always give me moments of doubt. I’ve been thinking about the many milestones I’ve passed along the way. There was the day I came out to my sister, the day I took my first blockers, the day I dispensed with my wig and went out au natural. As a trans woman, the dysphoria I feel towards my body is tempered by the fact that I am sometimes able to ignore the parts of my body that are problematic. Reminding me that my body and my brain are at odds with each other. This is why I avoid mirrors as much as possible. I don’t like to see myself naked.

It reminds me that I’m not cis.

Yes!, I have good days and I have bad days. What gets me through the bad the days is the knowledge that I am getting there. That maybe one day I won’t feel dysphoric any more.

Being a trans woman is hard at the best of times. It’s a constant fight to justify my existence, not only to other people, but sometimes to myself. All of this has had a negative impact on my mental health. Couple this with the fact that there are people out there who would prefer I didn’t exist, is it any wonder that I haven't attempted suicide.

 

 This is just a small example of what I go through to just be. I dream of the day that I wake up and just be. A day where the first thought I have isn’t that I am trans and that my body and brain are at odds with each other. That day, however, is a long way off. Indeed, it’s a day that might never come but that doesn’t mean I should stop striving for that day.

 

Trisha Roberts