What Drives My Need To Be Out In Public/ 22nd of March 2020

 

A conversation I had with my wife and her sister last night.

 

The three of us had just spent 6 hours a shopping mall in Las Vegas and were driving home. The backstory is I came out to her sister several years ago and since then we’ve gone out a number of times as girlfriends. She is so very supportive and both have mentored me (“don’t walk like a football player, you’re a lady” “ladies don’t order that,” “remember in the ladies’ room, toes forward!”). But she caught me by total surprise last night with the question, “Why do you feel the need to be dressed as Trisha and be in public? What drives you to do this?”

 

Whoa! What a question to be asked…especially on a crowded highway! I couldn’t provide a coherent answer! I really don’t know why! I love dressing up and being as female as I can be, however I do not want to fully transition, I like what hormone usage has done where I don’t feel that I should pursue having surgery to be a full complete woman 24/7. So, why do I feel compelled to dress and go out as Trisha? I’ve been grappling with this for 60+ years. I’ve read scientific literature studies, lay articles, been part of CD/TG/Transitioning groups, been in chat rooms…I don’t think anyone really knows where these feelings and “need” comes from.

So, I tried to provide some context to my compulsion and failed miserably. I told her that no one in the several support groups I’ve communicated with could answer that question. I explained to her that for me, it is a need…a need that I can’t rationalize or understand. I simply need to do it. I am not looking for attention (or at least not that I’m aware of), I try to blend in as best I can. I think I’ve been okay with this; everywhere we’ve gone, I’ve been addressed as “ma’am or lady or girl.”

I guess I’ve become comfortable with being out as Trisha and it just feels natural. I know it’s still me behind the makeup and clothing. But there is a difference in attitudes or interactions when you I'm feminine versus being a guy. People are a bit more pleasant, or so it seems.

All I can say to provide my own answer is that having suppressed my urges for decades, the freedom that came when I started living openly as Trisha is amazing! I love being Trisha, and Trisha loves being out and about as an older woman without hang-ups. I guess the need to be me in all my aspects of life is strong now that I am older.

For me, life is good!

Trisha Roberts