From when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night, and often in my dreams, I am aware that I am trans.

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

 

It's taken a long time for me to accept that I cannot be what I want to be. There is no magic button that can be pressed that will transform me completely. Acceptance of that enabled me to start to venture out and reach where I am today. The thing is that I am increasingly finding that I pass.

Yesterday my spouse and I went out shopping as we both needed some bits and pieces. In the past my wife has felt a little nervous going out with me as she has been conscious of my nerves and vulnerability out in public places, that I still at times tend to project and a certain protectiveness of me. But now I am much more confident and simply go about my business without worrying. And that confidence helps me to blend completely too.

 One of the things that happens to too many of us early in our Discovery and Pre-transition stages is that we let the opinions of others who are in the Cis range direct our lives.  We accept their notions of what our target gender/agender should be and make that our ideal that we get hung up on and will not let go of for some time.  It does however mellow out over time if we have help and validation that our unique selves are really our goal, and opposed to "Standards of ___<looks>______!"  While I have had GCS and have no regrets, I know what it does  not do and will not suggest that another person take that route as a sure cure.  The best resolution to GD was to accept my own singular outward look, and concentrate on my outlook on life and its direction.  At one of my support groups last night, another girl pointed out that her external transition was NOTHING compared to her INTERNAL transition which she after three years and I after 10+ years still go through.   

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 I believe we all start with goals and visions of what we would like to be and look like.  As time moves on and some of the excitement is rubbed off we may get a bit more practical in our views of what can happen.  I am happy with the results I have attained.  I hope you will be too...

 Acceptance of oneself is the greatest thing that people like myself experience in our lives...

It set me free....It brought understanding...it provided me with answers to long standing questions about myself that made no sense before! 

Now I accept myself for who I am, I don’t have a problem with the person I am now, but back then I did, I was trying to transition externally without transitioning internally first.

 I definitely have some issues with my external looks, all the same trappings that CIS gender females have to deal with as well. I’m worried about my aging face, my wrinkles, my belly flab and how much I weigh.  Oddly enough these compulsory worries just make me fit in better with the rest of the girls. 😏

Trisha Roberts