My hormone usage
Started July 2009 Stopped 2013
I spent years wrestling with myself. Something inside of me knew I wanted to take female hormones. Something inside of me felt that I would feel much more myself if I did. So I got them, first from a friend who then showed me how to order from the net...
These days any sexual expression that gets caught up with my desire to appear female, does not end in any form of shame, nor does it stop the cross dreaming thoughts. Using what was a sexual expression to 'experience' the inner woman just does not really work any more to arrest or express any cross dreaming thoughts. So I have been able to separate what I feel is my female self from being mixed up with any sexual expression.
In fact my sexual expression and thoughts are now more to the regular thoughts of being attracted to others and not within myself. I feel good about not being as male as I once was, and delight in the knowledge of removing my masculinity. What am I left with? I'm left with the constant nagging feeling of still wanting to still appear and be feminine...
These days any sexual expression that gets caught up with my desire to appear female, does not end in any form of shame, nor does it stop the cross dreaming thoughts. Using what was a sexual expression to 'experience' the inner woman just does not really work any more to arrest or express any cross dreaming thoughts. So I have been able to separate what I feel is my female self from being mixed up with any sexual expression.
In fact my sexual expression and thoughts are now more to the regular thoughts of being attracted to others and not within myself. I feel good about not being as male as I once was, and delight in the knowledge of removing my masculinity. What am I left with? I'm left with the constant nagging feeling of still wanting to still appear and be feminine...
I no longer have any way of switching off the thoughts as the shame is not there any more due to the workings of the estrogen. So have I made my situation worse now by getting rid of the shame and sexual associations? For me the most important thing about taking estrogen was to feel normalized. This does work but I am pushing myself further along the conveyor belt of transition even though I know its what I want most. I've reached an age where moving any more forward will not be an achievable goal...
Day to day I still live a life as a female where rarely I get taken as a male, which for some reason mystifies me. My voice and tone of my voice has soften considerably and I have my hair cut short in cut where if needed I could comb and brush it to appear a bit more masculine or style and brush to appear feminine... I probably look a sight. I already achieved what I very much felt I needed to do with my - feminization... Although not currently using estrogen (hormones) my usage has done me a lot of good, to the point where I simply feel comfortable living full time regardless of my fears...
Day to day I still live a life as a female where rarely I get taken as a male, which for some reason mystifies me. My voice and tone of my voice has soften considerably and I have my hair cut short in cut where if needed I could comb and brush it to appear a bit more masculine or style and brush to appear feminine... I probably look a sight. I already achieved what I very much felt I needed to do with my - feminization... Although not currently using estrogen (hormones) my usage has done me a lot of good, to the point where I simply feel comfortable living full time regardless of my fears...
Trisha
updated: 04/08/2020
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