The most amazing and the cruelest thing in my life is Change.

Without it I would be lost, I would stay where I started, and I would continue existing in non-existence. Change also brings a lot of lasts and that is the reason I fear it. Sometimes Change brings joy, excitement, growth, happiness, and opportunities, but sometimes Change brings pain, loss, confusion, regret, fear, and total chaos. No kidding, talking about one’s growth.

I have always admired people who suddenly choose a different path and somehow manage to re-emerge happier or fundamentally changed. Fear is such a powerful force in our lives and sometimes I wonder if fear is indeed the basic instinct that ensures my survival or most of the time it is actually just something that I have been taught to respect and allow to determine the path I take. Fear is an extremely strong emotion. It once had a strong grasp on my thoughts and my feelings and my mental state. I was afraid to lose myself. Fear made me become a person whom I sometimes did not recognize anymore. I nearly lost the battle and was giving in where I would have never recover.

Yes, I was afraid earlier in my life, and I acknowledge those feelings. However, I also knew that I needed to lean into my fear and see it through because I knew that Fear was just a figment of my imagination. I was facing a battle that I have to fight with myself. This battle took place in my head. The worst part was to admit that I was afraid. It's taken me years to admit the truth and I have made peace with the fact that the only way out for me was to face the fear and just go for it... When I did many aspects of the fears I felt eventually did not matter anymore.

I finally realized and accepted the reality that I was living my life in fear of being judged and that was the reason I always hide my true feelings. That I only share emotions that would be understood and supported that people could relate to and I never shared fears that make people uncomfortable because discomfort makes people turn against someone like myself. This discomfort often reminds people of what they feel themselves and reminds them of the fear of being judged and misunderstood, and instead of supporting me, people choose what makes them feel safe and fit in, they turn against who I was about.

The most ridiculous thing I realize is that as I grew older I reached the point in my life where I cared less about what other people thought was right. Because over the years as I emerged I had fought so many battles in my head and have been burned way too many times by making choices that I thought would be approved by the majority of people.

And the majority of these battles turned out just to be just that – thoughts and fears in my head. And once the consequences of the  choices I making, I finally realized that nobody actually cares; nobody gave me the praise or the medal for achieving the “fitting in” status. All I reached the end of my excruciatingly painful battle with myself of being unhappy and nobody cared.

Once I got burnt by “nobody cares” too many times, I realized that no one can make me happy and no one is going to be there to support me. I knew that the moment I stepped up and made a choice that would put me in a spotlight, there will be way too many people and so-called friends and family to point out my wrong choices and shame me for it, regardless if whatever I chose to do, made me happy and did not harm anyone else. Yes!, I still have hope of saving the world and they try to educate others and bring them into awareness, into the light, into harmony, into…whatever I think others should know about my living openly as a woman.

The truth is, when I'm on my death bed, the only thing that will matter will be me and the choices I made in my life. The only thing that will matter will be my satisfaction, my happiness, and the enjoyment of my life. It will not be fitting in. It will not be choices that I've made to be accepted.  It will not be – not sticking out. It will not be being like everyone else. It will not be the approval of other people. It will not be saving others. It will not be trying to wake people up. But it will always be regrets of not being myself and not making choices that would have potentially made me happy. It will always be something that I've never tried. It will always be that one thing that I refused to try. It will always be that one person that I let get away. It will always be my choices that I've made because I was afraid to disappoint someone.

We, humans, almost always avoid the topic of death and go on like we are immortal and will never die. Lately, I have been thinking about this a lot. I guess it is because I am getting older and because being happy is becoming more and more important to me.  It is not like I have just woke up and realized that I am important. It is more like the acknowledgment that coming from a peaceful place and just being myself is always enough just for me. It is always enough because I do not need someone to like me; I do not need someone to approve of what I like; I do not need someone to agree with my choices; I do not need people to feel like I have a purpose. I know I have a purpose and it’s nobody’s business but mine. I do not have to justify or explain or fit in. I am enough.

Trisha Roberts

April 16th 2020