Cherished friendships /

Friendships are of more importance to me now than I ever thought possible in my old life!

 

 

 I have for most of my life lived dealt with having duel genders. The first time I started dressing fully was years before I came out openly during my first marriage when I was 25 years wearing at first some of her panties and slowly accumulating a feminine wardrobe that I kept hidden and locked in a footlocker in the garage... During this period in my life (1975 thru late 1981) it had felt like a strange nightmare. I was partly to blame, as I had kept these inner most feelings of my cross-dressing and wearing my sister's and later my aunt's and mother's clothes and how I felt like something was missing in my life when ever I was able to wear feminine attire... When I reached my l8th birthday I received my draft notice and was fearful about these feelings about feeling different... When I reported to the induction center... I started the process of being inducted I learned that I had scored very high test's scores from the tests taken... An Force recruitment Sargent approached me and asked if I'd like to enlist in the Air Force, that my test scores were very high and that the Air Force had several career slots that I qualified for... I didn't hesitate, I ended up enlisting for a six year hitch and then spent an additional 4 years in the Air Reserves... During this period in my life I was able to control this urge to want to wear feminine attire and eventually married a woman I met while in the service.. For nearly 10 years this urge to want to wear feminine attire seemed like had vanished... Then one night I woke up from a dead sleep and I started to feel unhappy. I was feeling this way for about a month then one day when my spouse went to visit her sister... I opened up her lingerie dresser drawer and took out a pair of her brief nylon panties and one of nightgowns and put them on... I suddenly found myself sensing how those two garments took away this sadness I was feeling to the sense of joy I now felt... Something I had not felt since the day I enlisted in the Air Force.. I was scared, another side of me emerged that I thought vanished from my life... For about the next year during this period I noticed that I was wearing more of my spouses clothing... Eventually purchasing my own wardrobe and now finding forcing myself to act a bit more masculine, lest the woman in me become too visible, the thing I feared most... I felt I had to move and answer my spouses questions a certain, masculine way or she would suspect something... I was afraid that the secret I kept from her would be discovered...

As silly as it seemed, I wanted to look like a the woman I now was feeling myself as... It was superficial, in a way, caring more about the way I wanted to look than the love my spouse wanted from me; I’d had no idea then that I was more than just being a cross-dresser, that took me years later to realize that I was

I bring up this memory because I remember, that I started making a ton of reasons why I needed to go on overnight fishing and hunting trips with co-workers... I then would utilize a cheap motel room and dress now fully up, including hair piece and full facial makeup spending more time as such... I found myself now needing to become much more visible... During this period I discovered a small cocktail lounger that featured Drag performers on Friday and Saturday night... I became a regular patron of that establishment as well meeting and developing friendships with several of the performers... One night I finally told the first person I've ever told about my cross-dressing, this inner desire that was driving me crazy about wanting to go places dressed fully as a woman...and asked the person I told if they could help me develop the skills it would take for me to present and projectable appearance... She offered me her services and made arrangements with me to meet her at a motel near the club and for me to obtain a room the next time I came to the club. 

 I did just that!

She met me at my motel room and entered. I just said as she entered " I just want to go as a woman, no other specific nonvisual label applied. She embarked upon to correct the contours of my life as the woman emerged from within me..

She told me that I'll do the big things I'd done as a "male", as a woman, letting myself feel free to write my future by remixing my past-not erasing it under the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, but making it right...

My doing it better!.

  Two week's later, when I went to the club Breckenridge with my friend for the first time as a woman, I felt exhilarated, not just at fulfilling a desire but because I’m doing so as a woman, my womanhood becoming visible, in this way small and vast all at once. Yes!, I’m nervous, but not for the obvious reason. The fear comes from visibility. Everything is flipped from the first time; now, I want no sense of a past life’s masculinity present. The night before my first outing, I worry for hours about if I can ‘pass’ at all if my hair piece, was revealing the profile of my face, and I consider, seriously, if I should wear heavy makeup simply so as to mask any trace of visual masculinity. Incredibly the compass of myself started spinning madly.. I found myself letting go and seeing myself much more differently... My first marriage was also now on the rocks... My first spouse questioning my reasons to meet with friends for fishing and hunting trips...

I was spending more time away from home, became less interested with having sex with my spouse. She became very suspicious of my going fishing and hunting so much...and I had become confident meeting with my friend where I had become careless and not fully aware of my surroundings... My spouse had one of her girlfriends from where she worked at, follow me one night to the motel that my friend and I met at... Returning later with my spouse and somehow convincing the individual who ran the front desk to give her the room key to the room my friend and I were utilizing to transform ourselves into appearing as two women... Yes!, both of us for several weeks prior to this night were exploring and experiencing some kissing, touching, feeling, stroking, one another that led to both of us becoming more intimate before and after our outings..

I never was aware that on this particular evening I had been followed to the motel... That my spouse and her girlfriend from work would walk into the room where both of them saw us both partially dressed as women in bed with one another, my friend laying along side of me both of our panties pulled down to our ankles stroking one another, as we kissed... It was a tremendous shock for me to see my spouse walking into the room with her friend and seeing my friend and I stroking and kissing one another wearing a hairpiece, full facial makeup and our panties pulled down to our ankles.. Her only comment "I'm married to a fucking queer"... BOTH of them called us faggots yelling loudly causing the motel clerk to call the police...

She had departed by the time the police arrived...

Embarrassing for my friend and I, trying to explain what the commotion was about both of us wearing our bathrobe and still having full facial makeup on...

My marriage ended of course!!! We parted ways and we both did not end up hating one another...

During this period 1981 thru 1986 I dressed frequently, however totally refrained from allowing myself to become sexual with anyone... I saw several therapist during this period and had been diagnosed being a gender dysphoric individual... Realizing that I was much more than a cross-dresser, however unassured about what I wanted and needed in my life... I had numerous purges this period, hating and loving this desire that was eating at me from inside where I wanted to live and even go as far as having corrective surgery to become this woman that had emerged...

I couldn't understand why having these feelings that I still liked being with women, dating and even sexual however that even had limitations because I was becoming less interested being sexual.

In late 1986 I met and married woman who had one child, during the marriage we produced a child together... She discovered my cross-dressing by finding my fem/attire in a footlocker I had forgotten to lock in the garage.

I made an earnest attempt with trying to convince her that I wasn't dressing to attract men's attention or to be sexual with any man, denying I was gay, but a cross-dresser...

I can say she made an earnest attempt to try to understand this behavior, allowing me the freedom to dress when I felt the need in cheap motel rooms..

Yes!, in the 30 plus years we've been married, we both had our share of ups and downs, some of it partly due to my dressing and becoming involve the transgender community, support groups I had joined and actively attended. Some due to financial problems, due to her spending money that wasn't budgeted..

Some of our arguments involved the blame game, some of our arguments involved the pressures of her family trying to convince her to end the marriage... During this period I had promoted three times in the career I had, that require me to work far from home and made me a weekend husband and father for about 2 years... The pressures of the career I was in helped enhance minor problems, to where I dressed for longer periods of time, eventually when both children went to college I dressed at home.. Sexually I again started to become curious and that brought back vivid memories of when I was having a same sex relationship with another t-girl like myself who also had developed breasts... I became more than curious and found someone to find a supply of hormones and that I used for about two plus years, got scared when I seen how changes to my body were becoming harder to hide the physical changes occurring.. I got scared and cold-turkey from taking them... Ohhh how my mind and body craved them for another 6 months...

My spouse finally told me that she's known about my usage of hormones when she noticed I wore tee shirts the two little mounds developing and that my male pants didn't fit properly...

Today we both are the best of friends, we share the same household, have our own bedroom and bathroom... We do things together still, take trips... I dress openly at home and go just about anywhere as Trisha... I live a duel existence, however my fem/side demands the most time... When I have to wear male attire, it's when attending my spouses family get togethers and when we fly together...

I'm 70, happy, I don't regret the life I've lived, and Yes, there are times when I regret not moving further in my transition and just ridding myself of that ugly thing between my legs, even though today it's pretty much useless now...
Trisha