This is Only the Beginning

I grew up in the 1950s and 1960s. They were not a golden age for me by any means. Individuals 'like me' who cross-dressed and forced to hide their nature were, at the very best, made fun of.

I felt someone like me was doomed to live my life as a man; which, by no coincidence, is what I did up until the world became a kinder more reasonable place, for people like me. While some things have become better over the past half century...

I can still remember my aunt … telling me “be who you are. Don't wait until it's too late or until everyone else gives you a chance to feel like it's your time” … my grandmother and my aunt were my biggest supporters during this period in my life...

As I transition slowly, I read about techniques for "developing my femininity," about developing a sense of style, about walking with my hips at a specific angle or stepping with a certain frequency, about how a woman does this and how she does that, about how women respond to this and how they respond to that, how they develop friendships, that has helped me tremendously learn how to present and project myself as woman. This  however left me with an inaccurate impression, that "being a woman" is about something specific. 

A woman's world is a place of wonder and joy, if you are a woman that is, but it can also be VERY unforgiving! It is a world that runs by a totally different set of laws than does the male world and everything, and everyone in it is judged by a very different scale. It is a world with complex and intricate rules. Rules that may be bent but cannot be broken... If they are broken and it is far easier than you would suspect, then the other women will be swift to punish and usually ostracize the one who transgresses, and this is done and done without thinking for a very good reason...

The years I spent living a duel life/style helped me understand how gender identity and sexual preferences are not related. That "sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual identity are independent of one another."  I've heard claims that they're not correlated. It seems to me that it is simply common sense that my gender identity and sexual preference *are* related, or correlated.  On the lighter side of who I'm about, I do like fashion.  I'm not a slave to it, but I do like looking my personal (for me) best when I step out the door.  Two figures I appreciate in common with was an Aunt and my Grandmother... Both led a fascinating lives, who also gave me an appreciation that classic styles were in a sense "eternal", and that there's another side to what womanhood is about as well.. Which both of them rarely talked about to me as often...  Then there were times, both didn't want to appear too feminine or seemed too interested in things which were traditionally the realm of women.  

 

 

During this period (anytime time I went shopping with either one,  both would be wearing apparel that would cause a few men to raise thier eyebrows as we passed by them.

My Aunt would wear outfits time to time that were ultra *feminine* that allowed her to express that she's not the stereotypically woman and doesn't care that she wouldn't be taken seriously.  

Lots of lessons on the differences and how, as a woman, I would be doing now.

For example, fixing my hair.  Always fluff the hair, especially in the center top of the head.  Everyday I use a hair dryer and special brush to lift and fluff my hair just so.  Also, for me, it’s important to tuck my front hair behind my ears.
Eyebrows are another big change.  From not hardly knowing they exist to weekly pluckings, monthly waxing and daily usage of a brow pencil.
I do not clip finger nails any more.  I exclusively use a nail file and shape them.  Occasionally I will buff them as well.  I do use nail polish as well.
It’s pretty much the same for toe nails too and when I do... I'll chose same color I do my nails.  That is a monthly process consisting of using alcohol to clean them off, filing, polishing and then applying new polish.
Each day I pick out the earrings I want to wear – either to go with my outfit for that day or picking out an outfit to match the earrings I want – just depends on what I feel is most important that day – earrings or outfit!  At night I have to make sure I put my studs back in.  It’s easier the next day if I always keep something in the holes.
Sometimes it gets even more involved, especially when I'll throw shoes into the mix.  There are days when I want to wear certain shoes, say flats or sandals or wedges.  Then I’ll have to pick the dress and jewelry to match.
And of course getting ready is a whole new adventure!  Showers and soaking in a tub filled with bubbles are longer as I shave my legs (and just about everything else), then wash, shampoo my hair, rinse, then conditioner, letting that set as I luffa, finally rinsing clean and toweling off.  I use a wide bristled brush to comb out tangles.  I let my hair dry a bit as I pick out and put on my under garments and choose my earrings, necklace and bracelet for the day.  Depending on how I feel, I might pick out my clothes first and then the jewelry to match or the other way around.  Either way, I get dressed and then grab the hair dryer and a round brush to style my hair.   I’ll use a different amount of hair spray depending on what I’m doing this day.  I’ll use my hand to prevent the spray from hitting the bottom of my hair – that way it looks more natural, bounces and flows with the wind.  Then I do my eye brows, filling them in and creating a bit more of an arch.  Next I touch up shave and make sure all looks well.  Then I pick out my shoes, put my phone into my purse and check that I have everything I need.  I may put on lipstick depending on what I’m doing that day (I don’t wear it when I'm running errands for example).
If it’s a special occasion, I’ll put on a foundation, some bronzing to hilite cheek bones and hide the jaw line, then loose powder over everything.  I’ll finish off with lipstick but I usually put that on when I get close to my destination. 

 I used hormones that tremendously helped make my body a bit more curvier as well as my now having a larger and softer curvy butt is nice but it has it disadvantages. When taking long trips to visit friends and coming back, it gets hard to sit for  long periods of time – gets quite sore! Then there is ‘girl’ talk!  I’ve been trying hard to stay away from comparisons but in this case I have to:  men will discuss sports, or other competitive adventures, tell stories, each ‘upping’ the other for best/worst/most dangerous/most stupid etc. Now, yes, of course, this is a generalization – women do this too.  But much more often, women have deeper, serious and ‘level’ conversations and about topics that concern us, as women (that includes style, shopping, family, children etc). The female friends that I've made over the years have allowed to be part of the group together apart from the men!  I have to chuckle each time a women friend has told her husband or male friend to:  a) go get a drink, b) how’s the game doing, c)  aren’t the guys calling you or when all else fails d) please go back in and leave us alone!! My life has pretty much stabilized, probably around 1.5 to 2 years ago, physiologically.  For those of you that are within those two years – trust me – it actually does get better (that is so hard to believe when you are going through those first years).  Physiologically, we are equivalent to a woman that has had a hysterectomy: we need to take estrogen, etc.  After about 1.5 years, your body just falls right into that rhythm – it is absolutely amazing what hormones do and the effect they have on a body.  They really do switch the body over, and not just external features, but a lot more.
I never thought my male face would ever come close to passing – this was a huge concern of mine and was a cause of a lot of dysphoria for me (one of many …).  I’ve had years of electrolysis (there are less hairs on my face than most women have!).  This helped, of course, but it was the estrogen that built up a (hate to say this) ‘fat’ layer under the skin.  This makes the face, arms, legs (everything) much softer and more feminine.  I can’t believe the before pictures of me compared to how I look now.  I also can’t believe how soft my skin is now – and omg, after a massage and spa treatment – wheeee!!
Just as I was developing breasts, there was a lot of talk among the group of sisters (those that took hormones as well), about cycles, being moist and where sensations were located.  For me this was a new body for me and I was still in a leaning curve!  At the same time estrogen was reacting with my new parts and making itself at home.  So things were changing over time.  That’s one reason I can safely say this takes a year or two for everything to settle down.  That’s pretty amazing considering it takes a natal women (or man) roughly 14 years to do that same...
One of the hard parts for me was the weight gain – ugh.  So easy to put on and as a woman – sooooo very hard to take off.  I’ve been struggling to lose weight for almost a year and instead I’ve gained about 25 pounds.  I'm finally eating ok, and now I go out and do a lot more exercise.  Wow, it is a lot harder to lose weight as a female! However I did eventually lose 45 lbs..
Trisha