Burn Out and Checking Out Are Also Parts of Transition

 

I can’t be a woman because society won’t let me...

 Every day I'm still reminded that I'm not a cis-woman. When I go to places, when I socialize, when I just exist. I'm very aware and I'm made aware that I'm different, that I'm other.

My morning routine is similar to that of many people. I get up, I shower, I have breakfast, I mainline coffee, I go out for errands. But all the time my brain is telling me that something is wrong. My body does not match my brain’s perception of what it thinks it should be. I’m talking about when my body does not match the gender of my brain. This for most of my life led to gender dysphoria. So, as soon as I step into that shower – hell, before I step into that shower – I am aware that my body and my brain are at odds with each other. This is why I avoid mirrors as much as possible. I don’t like to see myself naked. It reminds me that I’m not cis.

And so, I've tried to change my body to match my brains. And this is where things got difficult because, you see, getting access to trans healthcare where I live is difficult and somewhat arbitrary. I needed to be referred to an endocrinologist. But in order to be referred I needed to tell my GP that I'm trans. And then have to hope that my GP has some understanding of what this means so that he or she could refer me.  

When I told my GP that I was transgender she was, straight away, business-like. She knew exactly where to refer me and made an appointment for me to see a therapist who dealt with gender issues. Even then it was almost a 12 month wait to be seen by the endocrinologist. I was then referred to a psychiatrist who confirmed (tell me something I don’t already know) that I was trans.

In fact, he said that I had Gender Identity Disorder (GID). Being told that I had GID was in one sense affirming. I now had an official diagnosis. I could now point to this and say, “See? Told you so!” But on the other hand it was also demeaning. I had to answer some very personal questions about me, about my family, about my relationships that I did not want to answer – not least to a complete stranger, and all to tell me something that I’ve known since I was 4 years old

So, official diagnosis in hand, it was back to, prescribed hormone blockers for me. I remember the feeling of relief that I was, finally, on the road to being me. I couldn’t wait to get to the pharmacy to fill the subscription.  On the day I received and took my hormone pill myself I was surprisingly calm. I had always been afraid that when the moment came I would have doubts, that I would begin to wonder if I was doing the right thing. But no. For once I finally felt that I had arrived in a good place. For a few blissful moments the bells were silent.

Since then I’ve been for about 30 months. It’s now yet another part of the dull routine of being trans: the trip to the pharmacy,  the feeling of relief. It’s had a few side effects: night sweats (they’re fun, aren’t they?), loss of libido and, initially, mood swings. But the biggest side effect was the inner peace it gave me knowing that my body wasn’t producing testosterone.

This is just a small example of what I was going through to just be. I dream of the day that I wake up and just be. A day where the first thought I have isn’t that I am trans and that my body and brain are at odds with each other. That day, however, is a long way off. Indeed, it’s a day that might never come but that doesn’t mean I should stop striving for that day.

That was another big step.

Another moment to quieten those bells.

I'll be the first to admit about how transitioning is never easy but, having lived in both male and (now) female roles, I thought it would be interesting to reflect on some differences I’ve noticed.

Before my transitioning I did realize fully that women’s clothes are thin. This, I’ve decided, is why I’m always cold nowadays. They are thin because they must cling to our body to show off our shape, or curves as anatomists would have it.

 

 

 

Having only been on hormones for a little over three years I now have curves. I still have a little bulge though and my thin clinging clothes sometimes tends show off this little bulge. I had to learn how layering involves wearing other clothes on top of the clothes to (a) keep warm and (b) hide this pesky little bulge. Sounds easy? Think again. Layering involves coordinating things like colors and fabrics and designs. I actually had replace and repurchase clothing, lingerie, sweaters, that would fit me more properly.. YES!, this was an expensive expense... 

Makeup woes

Finding the right shade of lipstick is a life-long search. I know this because I still haven’t found the correct shade. I had a nice shade and they discontinued it because they are bastards and they are out to get me.

Scratching your face when wearing foundation is a bad idea. I’ve learned this the hard way. I now scratch my face by gently dabbing my finger against the itchy area. This is what’s called the patriarchy and why we need feminism. Feminism means being able to scratch your face without ruining your makeup. It also means being able to eat certain foods without ruining your make up. Like spaghetti. And leafy salads. And chicken wings. Taking your bra off after a long day

There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you take your bra off after a long day. I’m trying to think of a male equivalent and I can’t think of one. In fact, I reckon all men should wear bras just so they get to know the joy that is taking your bra off after a long day. Hosiery (not the singer)

My daily workout consists of pulling on a pair of tights. There is much huffing and puffing before the tights have been pulled firmly up my legs and the waist band rests comfortably and snugly on my, um, waist, where they remain all day without any problem. Hahaha – only joking – where they remain for 5 seconds before promptly rolling down and having to be pulled up again.

And while we’re on the subject Hold-Up Stockings really are badly named and should be sued under the Trade Descriptions Act.Female friendship

As you may have guessed, my humor being subjective maybe I haven’t... If I may be serious for a moment, one thing I’ve discovered since transitioning is the value of female friendship. I’ve had nothing but support and warmth and encouragement from the many cis and trans women that I’ve met both online and in real life.

Their strength and their humor has kept me going through many difficult times and I would be the person I am today without their help. I am grateful to each and every one of them. The women of the support group I belong too like myself have also put up with an awful lot of shite and they do so with an equanimity and fortitude that continues to astonish and amaze me.

I am proud and honored to be counted among them.

. It’s a constant fight to justify my existence, not only to other people, but sometimes to myself. All of this has had some negative impact on my emotional mental health.  Couple this with the fact that there are people where ever I go who would prefer I didn't exist...

Trisha

Updating 4-9-2020